Day 1: Let The Games Begin
So, it all started last night. I had a surprise thirtieth birthday party for Erin. I invited all of our friends from college and our families. I had it downtown at her favorite restaurant, and saying she was surprised is an understatement.
“SURPRISE!!!”
“Oh my. What the? Kevin!!! Did you? Is this for? Oh my god,” Erin babbled like a baby through the tears.
I whispered in her ear, “It’s all for you baby. You deserve it.”
Erin made her way around the room, I handed her favorite drink, a dirty goose martini (extra dirty, no olives) and she gave me the good look! I finally pulled one off. She had no idea and she was super excited. I was definitely got some bonus points. The night was pretty much locked into an awesome night, and then there was Aunt Lola. Ughhh!
“Aunt Lola! Oh my goodness. I can’t believe you came all the way from Florida! Thank you so much for coming.”
“Of course I came darling. You think I would I miss my only niece’s thirtieth birthday party?” said Aunt Lola. “So, now when are you and Kevin going to get to the baby making? It’s been six months since your wedding you know? They say after thirty your eggs start to dry out. Your biological clock is ticking sweetie.”
I kind of drowned out the rest of the conversation and walked over to the bar for another shot of black. I was hoping she would listen to her Aunt Lola so we could practice making babies. What’s so bad about that?
So, as soon as we got home we started practicing! We were both feeling a little loose from the whiskey and the wine, and we got crazy. I’m not completely clear on exactly how crazy we got, due to the looseness from the whiskey and the wine, but I know we definitely started on the kitchen table and woke up in bed this morning! This is going to be fun all of this practicing for babies stuff! Nice.
“SURPRISE!!!”
“Oh my. What the? Kevin!!! Did you? Is this for? Oh my god,” Erin babbled like a baby through the tears.
I whispered in her ear, “It’s all for you baby. You deserve it.”
Erin made her way around the room, I handed her favorite drink, a dirty goose martini (extra dirty, no olives) and she gave me the good look! I finally pulled one off. She had no idea and she was super excited. I was definitely got some bonus points. The night was pretty much locked into an awesome night, and then there was Aunt Lola. Ughhh!
“Aunt Lola! Oh my goodness. I can’t believe you came all the way from Florida! Thank you so much for coming.”
“Of course I came darling. You think I would I miss my only niece’s thirtieth birthday party?” said Aunt Lola. “So, now when are you and Kevin going to get to the baby making? It’s been six months since your wedding you know? They say after thirty your eggs start to dry out. Your biological clock is ticking sweetie.”
I kind of drowned out the rest of the conversation and walked over to the bar for another shot of black. I was hoping she would listen to her Aunt Lola so we could practice making babies. What’s so bad about that?
So, as soon as we got home we started practicing! We were both feeling a little loose from the whiskey and the wine, and we got crazy. I’m not completely clear on exactly how crazy we got, due to the looseness from the whiskey and the wine, but I know we definitely started on the kitchen table and woke up in bed this morning! This is going to be fun all of this practicing for babies stuff! Nice.
Day 1: New Beginnings
Last night was the most amazing night of my life, besides the day I married my husband, my best friend, my soul mate. Kevin surprised me with the most amazing soirée I’ve ever been to. All of my friends and family were in attendance and it was at my favorite restaurant in the city. It’s a swanky little sushi bar with a back room for events that is totally VIP. Aunt Lola even came to my swanky little soirée. It’s always so nice to see her. I am the closest thing she has to her own children. She never had kids, in fact she’s always been quite the “cat lady” in everyone’s eyes, but her and I have always had a close relationship. I am the “daughter she never had” at least that’s what she tells me.
Aunt Lola has always pushed me to do great things in my life. She pushed me to get good grades through the years, she pushed me to go to college, she pushed me to follow my heart and marry Kev when I had cold feet. She’s never steered me wrong in the past, but last night she told me that I‘d better start making babies. Uhhh…. Huh? Was she seriously pressuring me to have kids? She doesn’t even have any of her own! Kevin and I like our life, we love our freedom, and we barely see each other as it is. But, Aunt Lola is always right. Goddamnit! So, now it’s off to research the wonderful world of baby making!
Kevin seems to be on board with baby making as well, so maybe I should too. He was a drunken tiger last night. It’s a shame he passed out before we even got the chance to do it…damn “whiskey dick.”
Aunt Lola has always pushed me to do great things in my life. She pushed me to get good grades through the years, she pushed me to go to college, she pushed me to follow my heart and marry Kev when I had cold feet. She’s never steered me wrong in the past, but last night she told me that I‘d better start making babies. Uhhh…. Huh? Was she seriously pressuring me to have kids? She doesn’t even have any of her own! Kevin and I like our life, we love our freedom, and we barely see each other as it is. But, Aunt Lola is always right. Goddamnit! So, now it’s off to research the wonderful world of baby making!
Kevin seems to be on board with baby making as well, so maybe I should too. He was a drunken tiger last night. It’s a shame he passed out before we even got the chance to do it…damn “whiskey dick.”
Day 29 Still Going Strong
Today is a great day. I can feel it. Today is the day when Erin is going to find out she is pregnant. I’m not an expert or anything, but I’m pretty sure I knocked her up at some point this month. (Plus she told me she’s two days late, and she is never late!)I have to admit I’m a little scared about becoming a dad, but Erin says I’ll be an awesome dad. I think I’m going to get her flowers today. We’ve been getting along so well the past few weeks, and the sex, well the sex has been amazing. We’ve been screwing like banshees. It’s like the beginning all over again! We have sex every day, sometimes twice a day. Life is good.
Day 29: Today is the Day
Well, this is it. My period is two days late, and my period is never late. In fact, my period has come every twenty-eight days since I was thirteen years old. It’s weird, somehow I feel different today. I know it’s because I’m pregnant. I can’t wait to finish up at work and head to the drug store! I should probably make my gyno appointment now, so they can confirm when the test comes back positive. YAY!! Kevin is going to be an amazing father.
I hope he’s still attracted to me when I can’t see my feet!
I hope he’s still attracted to me when I can’t see my feet!
Day 31: And the Beat Goes On
So, turns out Erin is not pregnant. I truly do not know how she is not! I hope there’s not something wrong with my boys. I heard if you drank a lot of Mountain Dew when you were younger it can fuck up your sperm count. I really hope this was just a fluke. Erin is a mess, and she is blaming herself. She says she didn’t take her vitamin-thingies every day because they made her nauseous. I told her not to worry, and we will keep trying until it happens. Just means more love-making with my pumpkin. I know that was gay, but I fear that twenty years from now she’ll find this journal and be pissed I referred to doing it as sex all the time. So, if you’re reading this pumpkin, I love you!
Day 31: What Did We Do Wrong?
I called the doctor today. I’m worried sick. As I think back on the thirteen years of my active sex life, I have never had a scare. I never thought or believed to be pregnant, despite my stupid teenage years having sex unprotected and not on birth control. What if I can’t get pregnant? I can’t even mention this to Kevin. His heart will break. I lied to him after I took the pregnancy test. For the first time in our whole relationship, I lied to him! I felt awful, and honestly I still do. I told him that we probably didn’t get pregnant because I forgot to take my folic acid and pre-natal vitamins. It was a lie. I’ve been taking them religiously-every day.
What if Aunt Lola was wrong? What if my eggs are already shriveled up? I’m going to call my gyno today, and hopefully she can give me some tips or insight. I feel like such a failure. I’ve never tried so hard for something in my life and not succeeded the first time. I guess it’s like my Daddy used to say, “If you don’t succeed the first time cupcake, try try again!”
Back to the Internet to continue my search for more positions that will guarantee conception and then back to the bedroom!
What if Aunt Lola was wrong? What if my eggs are already shriveled up? I’m going to call my gyno today, and hopefully she can give me some tips or insight. I feel like such a failure. I’ve never tried so hard for something in my life and not succeeded the first time. I guess it’s like my Daddy used to say, “If you don’t succeed the first time cupcake, try try again!”
Back to the Internet to continue my search for more positions that will guarantee conception and then back to the bedroom!
Day 43 Holy Shit! I'm in Heaven.
So, Erin has been diligently surfing the internet and local porn shops across town to find what works best to conceive. Hallelujah! My wife is fucking awesome. I don’t know what she’s been reading or where she has been shopping but she has been a sex kitten. She’s been trying all of these different positions, shit I never thought I could get her to do. Hell, it’s positions I’ve never even seen or heard of. I hope we don’t get pregnant for a while. I could get used to this.
Last night, she dressed up like a hot librarian! Although her outfit did not stay on her long, I think I actually ripped it off of her. I dunno how her dressing up could help conception, so I asked her (after we were done of course!) and she said, “Dr. Conception from Babble says that if you keep things fresh in the bedroom your partner will be more relaxed and insemination is more likely to occur. And I’m ovulating this week, so I figured it was worth a shot!”
“Oh! That’s nice Honey.”
Sorry I fucking asked. That just ruined a possibility of a round two. What the hell does ovulating mean anyway.
Last night, she dressed up like a hot librarian! Although her outfit did not stay on her long, I think I actually ripped it off of her. I dunno how her dressing up could help conception, so I asked her (after we were done of course!) and she said, “Dr. Conception from Babble says that if you keep things fresh in the bedroom your partner will be more relaxed and insemination is more likely to occur. And I’m ovulating this week, so I figured it was worth a shot!”
“Oh! That’s nice Honey.”
Sorry I fucking asked. That just ruined a possibility of a round two. What the hell does ovulating mean anyway.
Day 43: I'm Sick of Sex
I’m sick of planning all of this sex. My doctor says that the best time to have sex is during ovulation, and that if we want to get pregnant quicker we should try to preserve Kev’s sperm for ovulation only. I don’t know if he’s going to go for that. I feel like he’s twenty again. He wants to have sex ALL THE TIME. I like sex and all, but honestly I’m just sick of sex. I’m sick of trying to conform myself into all of these positions like I’m some sort of contortionist or fucking porn star. I’m Erin Mary O’Malley for christ’s sake! I like good ‘ol missionary position and sometimes I like to be on top if it suits my mood, but I sure as hell am not enjoying trying to conceive. This sucks. It’s supposed to just happen. I’m done with trying. I’m done with sex. I need a break.
Day 50: The Ship Has Sailed
Well, Erin has decided to give up. I have never seen her give up on anything before. She says she needs a break from sex and trying to make a baby. She had a really bad anxiety attack yesterday when her best friend called her with the news. Mandy called to tell her she was pregnant. Mandy is not even married. Mandy was not trying to get pregnant. Mandy knew we were trying and still called Erin to gloat. Erin hung up with Mandy and started to cry and get short of breath. I just held her to calm her down and she finally did.
“Baby, we can start again. Why don’t we start when you’re doing that ovu-thingy? Is that soon?”
“No, it’s fine. We’ll just get a dog. I’ll be one of those weird fucking old ladies with dogs that replace even the idea of children. We’ll buy them fucking Louie Vitton collars and Burberry rain coats. It will be great. I can’t fucking wait.”
“Ok, babe listen I see that you are upset, but you can’t give up that easily. We just have to work on it together. Me and you have never failed at anything together. C’mon babe! Seriously, for me?”
“Alright, fine. We’ll start the next time I’m ovulating. But, no sex until then. can’t waste precious sperm on non-ovulation days.”
I have a feeling I’m going to hate non-ovulation days for sure, that is as soon as I find out when the hell they are.
“Baby, we can start again. Why don’t we start when you’re doing that ovu-thingy? Is that soon?”
“No, it’s fine. We’ll just get a dog. I’ll be one of those weird fucking old ladies with dogs that replace even the idea of children. We’ll buy them fucking Louie Vitton collars and Burberry rain coats. It will be great. I can’t fucking wait.”
“Ok, babe listen I see that you are upset, but you can’t give up that easily. We just have to work on it together. Me and you have never failed at anything together. C’mon babe! Seriously, for me?”
“Alright, fine. We’ll start the next time I’m ovulating. But, no sex until then. can’t waste precious sperm on non-ovulation days.”
I have a feeling I’m going to hate non-ovulation days for sure, that is as soon as I find out when the hell they are.
Day 49: You Have Got Be Kidding Me
I cannot believe the phone call I got today. It was the weirdest thing. I hadn’t heard from Mandy in forever, and we are best friends. We used to talk every day, and at least try to get to see each other once a month. She moved to the suburbs a few years ago with her on again, off again boyfriend and lately she’s been distant.
“Mandy! Oh my god! I’m so happy you called. I’ve been so frustrated lately with work and…”
“Wait! Before you go any further I have some huge news and I’ve been dying to tell you. I called you twice a couple weeks ago, but no answer.”
“Did you leave a voice mail?”
I hate when people say that they called, but you never called them back. Don’t they know that sometimes cell phones sometimes do not have service, and you don’t get missed calls? WTF
“No, but that’s not important now anyway. I’m pregnant!”
I was frozen. I felt my chest tightening up and I felt my breath going out, but not coming back in. I couldn’t breathe.
“Er, are ya there? Erin Mary! Are you there? Did you hear me? I’m having a baby!”
I still couldn’t answer her, partially due to the fact that I couldn’t breathe and partially due to the fact that I couldn’t believe what the hell she was saying.
“Congrats.”
“Thank you so much! It’s such a surprise! We weren’t even trying. I know this is going to bring me and Dave so much closer now. Can you believe that I’m going to be a mother?”
No, actually I can’t believe that Dave’s going to be a father. Quite frankly, who knows if Dave is the father? They aren’t even married, nor did they ever mention the fact that they wanted children.
“Nope, it’s unbelievable. Well, I’m going into the subway. Gotta Go. Talk to you later. Oh wait, I think I’m losi…”
I hung up on her. Really, I was just walking into my apartment to die. I cried hysterically, and Kevin just held me. Usually his hugs help me deal with things, but today it only made me feel more worthless. I can’t believe he wants to stay with a non-fertile woman like me. I told him we should get dogs and they can be our children. Kev said no and we agreed to try again. But, we are not wasting precious sperm on non-ovulation days and we are certainly not playing out the Karma Sutra every night like fucking porn stars. Maybe I’m just not meant to be a mother.
“Mandy! Oh my god! I’m so happy you called. I’ve been so frustrated lately with work and…”
“Wait! Before you go any further I have some huge news and I’ve been dying to tell you. I called you twice a couple weeks ago, but no answer.”
“Did you leave a voice mail?”
I hate when people say that they called, but you never called them back. Don’t they know that sometimes cell phones sometimes do not have service, and you don’t get missed calls? WTF
“No, but that’s not important now anyway. I’m pregnant!”
I was frozen. I felt my chest tightening up and I felt my breath going out, but not coming back in. I couldn’t breathe.
“Er, are ya there? Erin Mary! Are you there? Did you hear me? I’m having a baby!”
I still couldn’t answer her, partially due to the fact that I couldn’t breathe and partially due to the fact that I couldn’t believe what the hell she was saying.
“Congrats.”
“Thank you so much! It’s such a surprise! We weren’t even trying. I know this is going to bring me and Dave so much closer now. Can you believe that I’m going to be a mother?”
No, actually I can’t believe that Dave’s going to be a father. Quite frankly, who knows if Dave is the father? They aren’t even married, nor did they ever mention the fact that they wanted children.
“Nope, it’s unbelievable. Well, I’m going into the subway. Gotta Go. Talk to you later. Oh wait, I think I’m losi…”
I hung up on her. Really, I was just walking into my apartment to die. I cried hysterically, and Kevin just held me. Usually his hugs help me deal with things, but today it only made me feel more worthless. I can’t believe he wants to stay with a non-fertile woman like me. I told him we should get dogs and they can be our children. Kev said no and we agreed to try again. But, we are not wasting precious sperm on non-ovulation days and we are certainly not playing out the Karma Sutra every night like fucking porn stars. Maybe I’m just not meant to be a mother.
Day 91: Saying Goodbye to the Glory Days
So, I figured out what ovulation meant. It meant that sex was now limited to five days out of the thirty perfectly good sex days of the month. This is my life now. So, not only are my meetings at work planned, but so is sex with my wife. I just want her to be pregnant already, so we can be done with this part of our lives, so we can be parents.
Erin rushes in from work with pregnancy test number 1,645 and dashed to the bathroom as usual. This has been her MO for the past six months. She takes the test, sees the negative result, and sobs in the bathroom for about an hour. I try to help her, but she likes to be left alone. She’s taking this really hard, and she refuses to talk about it. We talk about everything and always have, but I think she feels like a failure.
“It’s not your fault honey. These things take time. We should just let it happen,” is usually what I say to her.
Her response is usually along the lines of, “Kevin, shut up! You have no idea what’s it’s like to know that your precious eggs and ovaries are rotting away inside of you.”
You’re right. I don’t, because I don’t have those parts. Geeezz! Didn’t she pay attention in health class?
So, I’ve learned to avoid her during the testing phase. I usually do work in my office and wait for the dust to settle. I feel so guilty. I feel so horrible that she has to go through all of this. And what if after everything is said and done it’s me who’s the problem? Then what? Will she leave me?
Today, I decided she needs to start talking to me about all of the fertility issues. Maybe we need to see someone to see if it’s me who is the problem. I can't take much more of this ovulation shit and the let down. I don't even care if we have to adopt. I can't see the woman i love go through this anymore. I want my wife back. I want my life back.
Erin rushes in from work with pregnancy test number 1,645 and dashed to the bathroom as usual. This has been her MO for the past six months. She takes the test, sees the negative result, and sobs in the bathroom for about an hour. I try to help her, but she likes to be left alone. She’s taking this really hard, and she refuses to talk about it. We talk about everything and always have, but I think she feels like a failure.
“It’s not your fault honey. These things take time. We should just let it happen,” is usually what I say to her.
Her response is usually along the lines of, “Kevin, shut up! You have no idea what’s it’s like to know that your precious eggs and ovaries are rotting away inside of you.”
You’re right. I don’t, because I don’t have those parts. Geeezz! Didn’t she pay attention in health class?
So, I’ve learned to avoid her during the testing phase. I usually do work in my office and wait for the dust to settle. I feel so guilty. I feel so horrible that she has to go through all of this. And what if after everything is said and done it’s me who’s the problem? Then what? Will she leave me?
Today, I decided she needs to start talking to me about all of the fertility issues. Maybe we need to see someone to see if it’s me who is the problem. I can't take much more of this ovulation shit and the let down. I don't even care if we have to adopt. I can't see the woman i love go through this anymore. I want my wife back. I want my life back.
Day 91: Preggers or Bust
So, today I picked up pregnancy test number twenty-one today. I picked up on the way to work. I had to drive twenty minutes out of my way, just so the clerk from our CVS didn’t give me that look again, the look of pity. Like, oh this poor infertile soul. The day is flying by only because I want time to stand still. I don’t think I can take another negative result. Soon we will have to result to spending our life savings on fertility specialists; at least that’s what the internet says.
...........
Kevin waited outside of the bathroom door, and he was shaking. He knocked on the door.
“Honey, are you okay in there?”
“Yes, I am fine, but I can’t pee.”
“Want me to get you some water? Or maybe you can put on the faucet?”
“Thanks asshole I know how to pee,” Erin said as she turned the water on.
“Ahhh. So, listening to assholes these days, huh?”
Erin chuckled, and Kevin began to relax. Her laugh is part of the reason he fell in love with her. She has an amazing laugh. It’s contagious.
“Oh my god!” Erin screamed through the door.
“Oh my god! Kevin get in here!”
Kevin tried to open the door, but after several attempts he figured it was locked.
“Ummm…it’s locked. What’s going on? Are you okay? Did you fall in?”
“No asshole! I think I’m pregnant!”
“You’re what? Open the damn door Er!”
She opened the door and gazed into Kevin's eyes like she did on their wedding day and held up the stick with a big dark purple plus sign and said, “We’re pregnant. We did it babe. We’re gonna be parents.”
This was the most calm Erin had been in months.
Kevin thought to himself, "Thank fucking god! Spontaneous sex here we come!
“Er, see I told you! It just had to be the right time. We’re gonna have a baby.”
“Honey, are you okay in there?”
“Yes, I am fine, but I can’t pee.”
“Want me to get you some water? Or maybe you can put on the faucet?”
“Thanks asshole I know how to pee,” Erin said as she turned the water on.
“Ahhh. So, listening to assholes these days, huh?”
Erin chuckled, and Kevin began to relax. Her laugh is part of the reason he fell in love with her. She has an amazing laugh. It’s contagious.
“Oh my god!” Erin screamed through the door.
“Oh my god! Kevin get in here!”
Kevin tried to open the door, but after several attempts he figured it was locked.
“Ummm…it’s locked. What’s going on? Are you okay? Did you fall in?”
“No asshole! I think I’m pregnant!”
“You’re what? Open the damn door Er!”
She opened the door and gazed into Kevin's eyes like she did on their wedding day and held up the stick with a big dark purple plus sign and said, “We’re pregnant. We did it babe. We’re gonna be parents.”
This was the most calm Erin had been in months.
Kevin thought to himself, "Thank fucking god! Spontaneous sex here we come!
“Er, see I told you! It just had to be the right time. We’re gonna have a baby.”
............
Day 92: We're Going to be What?
Oh shit, we’re gonna have a baby. I know I have been waiting for this moment for the past three months, but it still came as a shock to me.
I grabbed Erin after she told me the news, and I gave her the longest hug ever, and we cried. Yes I’m a big pussy. Yes, I cried. Just wait until you find out your going to be a parent. Although, now that I think about it. I don’t know if I cried tears of happiness, or tears of fear?
“Hold on. I have something for you.”
Erin ran into the bedroom.
“Oh wait, I have something for you too.”
I ran into the fridge to get her bouquet of flowers.
We met in the living room and sat on the couch.
“I’ll go first,” I said as I pulled the bouquet from behind my back.
“Oh my god, Kev. They are gorgeous. But, how did you? Where did you?” the tears began to flow.
“I just knew,” I said. Which, by the way, was a total bullshit line. I didn’t want to tell her what I thought our talk was going to be about tonight.
“Thank you baby. I love you so much. You’re going to be an awesome dad.”
Oh shit. I’m going to be a dad.
“Okay, okay. My turn,” she said with excitement. It’s true what they say about pregnant women. She was honestly glowing.
“Ta-da!” Erin pulled a book out from behind her back, The Expectant Father Facts, Tips, and Advice for Dads-to-Be.
“Wow, ummm thanks babe.” I got her flowers and she got me a book? Not Artie Lange’s new book mind you, a book about how to be a dad? I thought she said I was going to be a great dad, in fact I believe she said awesome dad? Why do I need some fucking book to tell me how?
I grabbed Erin after she told me the news, and I gave her the longest hug ever, and we cried. Yes I’m a big pussy. Yes, I cried. Just wait until you find out your going to be a parent. Although, now that I think about it. I don’t know if I cried tears of happiness, or tears of fear?
“Hold on. I have something for you.”
Erin ran into the bedroom.
“Oh wait, I have something for you too.”
I ran into the fridge to get her bouquet of flowers.
We met in the living room and sat on the couch.
“I’ll go first,” I said as I pulled the bouquet from behind my back.
“Oh my god, Kev. They are gorgeous. But, how did you? Where did you?” the tears began to flow.
“I just knew,” I said. Which, by the way, was a total bullshit line. I didn’t want to tell her what I thought our talk was going to be about tonight.
“Thank you baby. I love you so much. You’re going to be an awesome dad.”
Oh shit. I’m going to be a dad.
“Okay, okay. My turn,” she said with excitement. It’s true what they say about pregnant women. She was honestly glowing.
“Ta-da!” Erin pulled a book out from behind her back, The Expectant Father Facts, Tips, and Advice for Dads-to-Be.
“Wow, ummm thanks babe.” I got her flowers and she got me a book? Not Artie Lange’s new book mind you, a book about how to be a dad? I thought she said I was going to be a great dad, in fact I believe she said awesome dad? Why do I need some fucking book to tell me how?
